An Insight: I’ve Had Enough!
I’ve been up since 2:30 this morning and am not in the best of moods, so forgive me if this post sounds like a pity party in full swing. I’m not really at my best with only 5 solid hours of sleep (if you can call it sleep), despite tossing and turning due to physical pain. Ever have something weigh so heavy on you that it seeps into your very soul? Well, this period of sadness that I am in is due to a heavy burden that I’m bearing. Here it is: Even though I know with absolute conviction that I did the right thing in order to protect myself and Kimmie from further abuse, I still find that I’m connected to my ex. That connection results in nightmares/terrors, shot nerves at every sound that I hear in that torture chamber called ‘home’ (yeah, right…it’s not home – it is a building without a heart), and continued feelings of inadequacy. The last, and I mean the very last thing, my ex said to me was, ‘Nobody wants you. No man is going to want you – I will be the only one’ and every day that passes by, without a hope for a new life with someone, just makes that statement more and more a reality to me. Currently I am receiving daily messages from a divorce support group called DivorceCare. Today’s really addresses and puts image to this VERY real feeling I have: ‘When a couple marries, they are no longer two individuals. They become what the Bible calls "one flesh." Genesis 2:24 puts it this way: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Unfortunately, people make decisions that lead to the breaking of marriage bonds. To better understand the extreme pain of separation and divorce, think about what happens when a marriage bond comes apart. The married couple does not revert to being two individuals again. Instead, they become two parts of the same one-flesh marriage, torn away, with huge, gaping emotional wounds.Dr. Myles Munroe shares: "People will say, 'Well, my husband and I separated.' That's not true. You tore, and that's where the hurt is. You actually tear, and parts of you go with the other person. That's why breaking a relationship is so difficult because you lose a part of yourself forever."’ from DivorceCare support group
Okay – before anyone starts thinking something I already know, you have to understand a bit about where I am starting. Before I get started, I have to apologize to family who will most likely be hurt by these words. I’m not putting blame on any single person either. There isn’t any blame. But in order to really see where I’m at, you have to see where I have come from.
Most of the memories of my youth are not pleasant ones. Seems that I’ve had to fight for anything and everything. Most of the time I didn’t get what I fought for. I was never the child of promise for my parents. I seem to have disappointed them with each passing year. My siblings were the kids that really were the pride of my parents. They excelled in school and extracurricular activities (brother was great at soccer, basketball, golf, tennis; sister was an awesome gymnast, dancer, NFL cheerleader. Both graduated with honors from their college – they FINISHED college, whereas I failed and had to drop out or be expelled). My siblings were popular at just about anything they did. In school, I was Debbie’s or Scott’s sister, not Wendy. I’ve always been tagged with someone, but never recognized as myself. As a result, I never discovered who Wendy was or is to be. As I look at things even now, when I meet someone (either when with a family member or not), I introduce myself as ‘Wendy, fill in blank sister/daughter/grandchild/niece/cousin’ – never just as ‘Wendy’. It’s as if my identity is 100% reliant upon being in relationship with someone. Heck, even as a mother, I’m not Wendy – I’m Kim’s mom. I’ve really never ever established my identity as Wendy. The worst thing is I don’t know how to do that. I was never a well-liked person in all the years I attended school (from 4th grade thru the 2 years at Tech), but I sure was, as the sky is blue, the PERFECT target for bullies and cheap shots. I have two really good friends out of all the acquaintances I have made. I realize it’s not the quantity of friends, but the quality, that matters. However, I’m not a mean person – I’ll give the shirt off my back or my last dollar to help someone – I am a loyal and reliable person. So, I have never understood what repulses people about me. It truly does not make sense to me.
Okay – so that is what it is…in a nutshell. My existence on this planet hinges on being something to someone. Since I don’t have that, my life is in ruins. The depression is a growing fog that is covering me and suffocating me. I can manage to hide the pain right now, but it won’t last much longer. I function only as Kim’s mom and can do what I have to for her. Once nightfall comes and it is quiet, that is when the torment starts again. The memories are vivid and very real. What adds to the heartbreak is that I recall the good times – the times before marriage and child – the times when we were teenagers with reckless abandon and not a care about anything except each other. I’m not a teenager, and I certainly find fault with reckless abandon; but I’m still a woman who yearns to be a wife and mother. I do have needs that aren’t being met currently and have a REAL need for help when it comes to day-to-day issues with Kim. For goodness sake, she even has a REAL need for another parent that she can turn to when she doesn’t feel she can turn to me for comfort or advice.
So…where am I going with this? Well, most of my life to this point has been win/lose, pass/fail. And I’ve not won or passed – on the contrary, the one word that I heard most often was in the phrase ‘You’re a FAILURE’. In the midst of this dark fog covering me up I’m hearing that word constantly. Oh, I am fully aware that I’m under a spiritual attack and the enemy is having a field day with me. My Hero just hasn’t shown up and I’m just not strong enough (despite what others may say about that) to battle the demons. My armor is beaten and in disrepair. I’m weaker than I’ve ever been in the faith. Because of this I’m becoming more and more invisible – falling out of the sight (true inner sight) of my loved ones and church. No one really sees me, only this shell of a body not the hurting heart beating to the point of bursting due to the pain. Yes, I’ve had enough! I’m tired; I am cried out and fed up! I’m physically unable to bear this weight any longer. Depression sucks! Because I do have an addictive personality and tendency, I can’t drink the depression away, I can’t medicate it away, I certainly CANNOT smoke it away, and I can’t eat it away (hence another WEIGHT I can’t shed because I AM eating thru my depression…. just with food!). The proverbial rock and a hard place…that’s where I am. Don’t say ‘pray it away’ because I have, and others have, already and I’m still here. The light at the tunnel is so very dim because I’m not even a fraction of the way thru the tunnel. Right now, I’m shaking my fist at God because He promised that His plans were to give me a future and a hope. Well…. (tapping foot), I’m waiting. A person like me can’t have hope no matter the amount of optimism or positive thoughts. Once labeled a failure it is more than difficult to become a success.
Alright…end of pity party. On final note, my daughter just LOVES Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana (what girl of this era doesn’t at the moment?) and there is a song that is becoming my new theme song. If you haven’t heard it, Google it and check it out…it sends chills thru my body each time I hear it. It is ‘The Climb’ and here are excerpts:
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Okay – before anyone starts thinking something I already know, you have to understand a bit about where I am starting. Before I get started, I have to apologize to family who will most likely be hurt by these words. I’m not putting blame on any single person either. There isn’t any blame. But in order to really see where I’m at, you have to see where I have come from.
Most of the memories of my youth are not pleasant ones. Seems that I’ve had to fight for anything and everything. Most of the time I didn’t get what I fought for. I was never the child of promise for my parents. I seem to have disappointed them with each passing year. My siblings were the kids that really were the pride of my parents. They excelled in school and extracurricular activities (brother was great at soccer, basketball, golf, tennis; sister was an awesome gymnast, dancer, NFL cheerleader. Both graduated with honors from their college – they FINISHED college, whereas I failed and had to drop out or be expelled). My siblings were popular at just about anything they did. In school, I was Debbie’s or Scott’s sister, not Wendy. I’ve always been tagged with someone, but never recognized as myself. As a result, I never discovered who Wendy was or is to be. As I look at things even now, when I meet someone (either when with a family member or not), I introduce myself as ‘Wendy, fill in blank sister/daughter/grandchild/niece/cousin’ – never just as ‘Wendy’. It’s as if my identity is 100% reliant upon being in relationship with someone. Heck, even as a mother, I’m not Wendy – I’m Kim’s mom. I’ve really never ever established my identity as Wendy. The worst thing is I don’t know how to do that. I was never a well-liked person in all the years I attended school (from 4th grade thru the 2 years at Tech), but I sure was, as the sky is blue, the PERFECT target for bullies and cheap shots. I have two really good friends out of all the acquaintances I have made. I realize it’s not the quantity of friends, but the quality, that matters. However, I’m not a mean person – I’ll give the shirt off my back or my last dollar to help someone – I am a loyal and reliable person. So, I have never understood what repulses people about me. It truly does not make sense to me.
Okay – so that is what it is…in a nutshell. My existence on this planet hinges on being something to someone. Since I don’t have that, my life is in ruins. The depression is a growing fog that is covering me and suffocating me. I can manage to hide the pain right now, but it won’t last much longer. I function only as Kim’s mom and can do what I have to for her. Once nightfall comes and it is quiet, that is when the torment starts again. The memories are vivid and very real. What adds to the heartbreak is that I recall the good times – the times before marriage and child – the times when we were teenagers with reckless abandon and not a care about anything except each other. I’m not a teenager, and I certainly find fault with reckless abandon; but I’m still a woman who yearns to be a wife and mother. I do have needs that aren’t being met currently and have a REAL need for help when it comes to day-to-day issues with Kim. For goodness sake, she even has a REAL need for another parent that she can turn to when she doesn’t feel she can turn to me for comfort or advice.
So…where am I going with this? Well, most of my life to this point has been win/lose, pass/fail. And I’ve not won or passed – on the contrary, the one word that I heard most often was in the phrase ‘You’re a FAILURE’. In the midst of this dark fog covering me up I’m hearing that word constantly. Oh, I am fully aware that I’m under a spiritual attack and the enemy is having a field day with me. My Hero just hasn’t shown up and I’m just not strong enough (despite what others may say about that) to battle the demons. My armor is beaten and in disrepair. I’m weaker than I’ve ever been in the faith. Because of this I’m becoming more and more invisible – falling out of the sight (true inner sight) of my loved ones and church. No one really sees me, only this shell of a body not the hurting heart beating to the point of bursting due to the pain. Yes, I’ve had enough! I’m tired; I am cried out and fed up! I’m physically unable to bear this weight any longer. Depression sucks! Because I do have an addictive personality and tendency, I can’t drink the depression away, I can’t medicate it away, I certainly CANNOT smoke it away, and I can’t eat it away (hence another WEIGHT I can’t shed because I AM eating thru my depression…. just with food!). The proverbial rock and a hard place…that’s where I am. Don’t say ‘pray it away’ because I have, and others have, already and I’m still here. The light at the tunnel is so very dim because I’m not even a fraction of the way thru the tunnel. Right now, I’m shaking my fist at God because He promised that His plans were to give me a future and a hope. Well…. (tapping foot), I’m waiting. A person like me can’t have hope no matter the amount of optimism or positive thoughts. Once labeled a failure it is more than difficult to become a success.
Alright…end of pity party. On final note, my daughter just LOVES Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana (what girl of this era doesn’t at the moment?) and there is a song that is becoming my new theme song. If you haven’t heard it, Google it and check it out…it sends chills thru my body each time I hear it. It is ‘The Climb’ and here are excerpts:
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
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