Wildflowers

(excerpts from “Wildflower” by Point of Grace)

She was the kind of girl that never quite fit in

Holes in her shoes and freckles on her skin

Every time she saw those school doors open wide

She’d wanna turn around and run back home and hide

As far back as I can remember I’ve struggled with being accepted – being part of the group/crowd. It’s taken a boatload of years to convince myself that the loss is to those who keep me at arm’s length, or further in many cases. Did you notice something? I’ve had to convince myself, meaning I’ve told myself that phrase “it is their loss”. I find now that I don’t know if that is really true.
 

She got used to being stuck at the back of the line

The kind that kept her head down

Most of the time

Secret dreams ‘bout the boy in the high school band

And wake up thinking

She never had a chance
 

Where did all this start at? It began when my family relocated, again, while I was still young. Almost from the moment I began to explore my new neighborhood, it seems, I was slapped with a target for ridicule and plain meanness of spirit from others. To a nine year-old, that is traumatic when she didn’t have any previous experience to compare it to. What could I do? I tried to ignore the barbs and such, but it didn’t stop the pain. I even tried to turn it around and laugh along with my tormentors to throw them off – didn’t work. So, I retreated into myself and my own little world where nobody could hurt me.

She’s a wildflower

That’s waitin’ on a sunny day

 

I’m reminded, by the memories, that my dad told me YEARS later that he wished he could’ve taken my place or shielded me from the hurt. How he told me that both he and mom wanted to go to war many times in my defense. Sometimes I wish they had. Other times, I’m glad they didn’t.

Waitin’ on the winds of change to blow

Just a red hot spark that’s looking for a little flame, yeah

I mean – what good could have come from my parents going to battle for me? It would have made the torment worse! There were some really unpleasant bullies I had to deal with day after day after day, for many years and they wouldn’t have taken kindly to being reprimanded for their actions towards me without payback of some kind. Never mind the fact that I did make it easy for them. After all, first I was scrawny and small – then had to get glasses to correct vision – then had to get braces for my teeth that were dubbed ‘donkey mouth’ – THEN had to get a brace for scoliosis (‘hey crip!’)! Geez! What next!?! Well, that’s when malicious rumors would start up and I’m not (NOT) going to jump in on that here. It’s not worth it to me anymore. Rumors really are the result of one being jealous over something they don’t have and can’t achieve in most cases. At least that is what I’ve observed, especially as a mother of a young daughter who is now facing her own giants (bullies and pressure).

Trying to find the perfect place to grow

She’s a wildflower
 

My problem now is – since I was incapable of stopping the attacks on me (and yes, they continue even now in my adulthood; just more subtle) – how can I be of any help to my child? I can tell her to simply ignore the attacks. I can even tell her how to deflect the barbs back on the attacker. Instead, I’ve taken the approach of telling her to file complaint with an adult. I ask: how is this going to help her? What is it telling her? It’s telling me that I’m failing miserably at handling the issue. Really, I am. So, I can imagine what ‘tattling’ will end up telling my child and it isn’t ‘you can handle the attacks’.

She makes a wish on every single star she sees

Yeah somewhere deep down she still believes

Compounded with this, is the fact that I’m a bit put off in my walk with Christ. It is as if, along with what bullying did to me and is now doing to my child, He is punishing me for something that I’m still trying to figure out. I’m not off the path, just stopping (but not smelling the flowers!) because I am beside myself at present. Dealing with my bullies, my daughter’s bullying issues has already worn me out. Then, THEN, I am given news by a friend that I truly am happy for her about, but I’m just hit with this: WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE OKAY FOR ME TO BE HAPPY? See, this sweet lady I befriended a short time after my marriage ended. We had similar issues going on: we were both headed for divorce. Hers was completed a little after mine was and, it seemed, shortly afterward she was dating. No problem. I had no intention of getting out in the ‘market’ then. Well, fast forward three years: She just got engaged! Wonderful, right? Yes - and no. I truly am happy for her and know that she’s happy. Here comes my flesh: What about me? Why am I still passed over? What is it about me that turns others away? Trust me…I’ve smelled to check and I’m clean. So, it isn’t that.

She prays every night before she goes to bed

Pretty soon her life is gonna change

She just doesn’t know it yet
 

I’ve had folks tell me that I must trust God in His timing; to stop looking to what I am wanting and so on. C’mon! That isn’t what I want to hear. (Operative word: WANT) Is it so unreasonable for me to long for happiness and to be wanted? So, I’ve exercised patience. Toe tapping patience. Nail biting patience. Okay – so I’m gonna ask it: Where is my happy story?

Well, recently, and this is not spiritually based directly, I purchased a CD by Point of Grace. Kimmie and I love to sing as we are on the way to school or any destination – and we choose to sing Christian songs, like Point of Grace’s. The words you’ve seen throughout this post are from one of the songs of the CD. In closing, I’ve discovered something that can be said of the Weido girls: we are wildflowers and we will bloom!

She’s a wildflower

That’s waitin’ on a sunny day

Waitin’ on the winds of change to blow

Just a red hot spark that’s looking for a little flame, yeah

Trying to find the perfect place to grow

Yeah she’s trying to find a place

She’s a wildflower that’s waiting on a sunny day

She’s the secret that nobody knows