Finding It Hard To Let Go

So, Sweet Pea is fast approaching her 21st birthday and, with that, more independence...away from the safe place of home with me.  I have made some strides in letting her spread those wings of hers - and they are large...she is stretching them out and flapping them ever more easily. I'm very torn between being "momma bear" and "momma bird".  Add to the mix my relentless anxiety attacks and depression - well, it is definitely not a sweet delight to digest.

Allow me to paint a picture for you:

A few weeks ago, my darling girl was still trying to secure a summer job so that she could continue having income that she would set aside in savings for her collegiate career (which at best guess will be at least 6 more years of study).  After disappointment upon disappointment, my employer reached out to her with a part-time offer.  She snapped it up after being assured that she'd work no more than 20 hours a week, possibly more if the work warranted.  There was very little mention that work would be decreased if the opposite result occurred, but that fiasco comes in just a bit.

She was always on time and ready to get started.  She did as she was instructed, despite the frustrations with various operations, but she did it all with a smile on her face.  After about 2 weeks, she was being called almost daily advising her to not come in.  One can only take that kind of treatment without explanation for so long and my sweet one came to me with concerns.  I tried to inquire and got very little, but I just tried to encourage my girl to have patience.  About a week ago, and a total misunderstanding was had for sure, KL got call telling her that her last day would be 27th and that she'd only be working 2 days a week until then.  When KL tried to ask why, her call was dropped and the person from job took that as a deliberate hang-up.  When KL finally got back through she was told her last day was right then as a result of the disrespectful manner she'd behaved.  Well - guess who got the emotional call after that!?  Anyway, after a meeting and second-part apology from me, I was promised a meeting would be had the next day between me, my daughter and 2 company reps.  Next day came and she was told not to come in and that she'd get her last check at end of week. What happened to the meeting I was promised would take place so a proper apology could be offered?  I was misled. In turn I misled my daughter. Momma Bear was in attack mode.  To be honest, I still am.  I no longer have the same respect for my job or co-workers.  I'm going day by day and just doing what I'm employed to do.  Gone is the sense of pride.  Gone is the sense of camaraderie.

That brings me to the next conundrum that I'm in - EMPTY NEST SYNDROME (or pre-empty nest).  As stated earlier, my daughter is almost 21 and I'm trying to let her fly, but finding it increasingly difficult. Just when I think I'm making progress in that area, my anxiety hits a new level and I can't get a grip on it.  

"Empty Nest Syndrome", as defined by the Mayo Clinic is ' a phenomenon in which parents experience feelings of sadness and loss when the last child leaves home'.  In my case, KL is my only child about to leave home.  I've been extremely blessed to have these past few years with her while she works to obtain her Associates Degree from the local community college near our home.  It's been wonderful to have her at home - we get to talk, watch sappy movies together, sing our favorite songs together, go to the gym together, go on road trips, etc. Yes, I'll say it: I've been selfish!  I adore my daughter - she has made my life so much more purposeful.  I work outside the home FOR her; I sacrifice FOR her; I press on in the dark FOR her. The reason: Because I'm thanking God FOR the gift of her - for giving her to me - for hearing my prayer. It is my way to honor Him for all He's blessed me with.  So - at the surface it appears I am putting KL in place of God - but I'm really not.  I look forward with great anticipation to what He has designed her for - that "time such as this" moment if you will.

In reading the article on the Mayo Clinic website about "empty nest syndrome", I found some interesting points to note:

• Though parents might actively encourage children to become independent, the experience of letting go can be painful
• They might find it difficult to have no children at home who need to be cared for/after
• Some experience a "profound sense of loss that might make them vulnerable to depression, alcoholism, identity crisis and marital conflicts"

So, that said - what is this mother going to do?  Will it get easier for me?  I did some seeking and found some helpful tips that, along with digging deeper and tighter to God's Word, I'd like to share for any other "empty nester" folks out there:

• Accept the timing and avoid comparing child's timetable to own experience. Focus on what you can do to help your child/children succeed when he/she does leave home.
• Keep the line of communication open - make efforts to maintain contact through phone calls, emails/texts, social media chats and visits.
• Seek support - the article from Mayo Clinic stated "lean on loved ones and other close contacts...share your feelings. If you feel depressed, consult your doctor or a mental health provider".
• Remain positive - consider all the time and energy that may come about to allow you to devote more in marriage or other interests. 

Another article I read suggested making a list of the roles we have in life that require regular investment of time and energy. From there, to review the list and identify those roles that might be expanded. Another suggestion was to create a list of new interests one would like to discover/attempt (in other words: get out of the comfort zone).  I don't know about you, readers, but that is a concept that I approach cautiously.  Guess I'm just a tiny bit gun-shy.

Of course, the biggest question for me is: aside from just the basic "empty nest" issues, will it be different because I'm a single parent?  Amazingly, this is not a new concept anymore.  There are articles that address this phenomena for us.  Some of what I gleaned from my reading are:

• Single parents are accustomed to caring for their child/children on their own and losing that role in life can be more difficult to accept. 
• When there isn't a partner to lean on when the child leaves home, there isn't anyone to help ease the depression that sometime accompanies "empty nest syndrome". The amount of downtime increases which can be a pro or con for the single parent.
• In her article on lovetoknow.com, Michelle Blessing states "oftentimes, the relationship a single parent has with their child is closer and more friend-like than normal....your child can become your partner in crime, your ear to bend or your shoulder to cry on as the two of you forge a place in the world together. When your child leaves for school or wherever he or she is headed, it can be as if your other half is gone. With no other half to lean on, you immediately experience a sense of loss that can be similar to a death."  She also made note that single parents may be "unknowingly creating a dependence with your child and keeping him or her home to suit your needs and avoid loneliness, which can foster an unhealthy relationship..."

I read another blog on Huffpost submitted by Debbie Burgin that was full of encouragement based on her own experience.  I'd encourage you to read it - here is the link: Single Mom And The Empty Nest

Now then, I'm in no way fully ready for my KL to fly too far from me.  I guess that is just Momma Bear talking.  It's tough being Momma Bird...eager to push her out of the nest. I'm hoping to find a happy medium between the two. To protect and to let go at the same time.  For now, I will continue to pray for peace and a calm spirit so that I can be an encouragement for her.  I want to be an example for her, not an obstacle to get around.  

Okay - you know I can't close out this without turning to music and the boost the words give me (or should by now)?  So, here are some from two songs ("Don't Forget To Remember Me" performed by Carrie Underwood & "In My Daughter's Eyes" performed by Martina McBride):

18 years have come and gone
For momma they flew by
But for me they drug on and on
We were loading up that Chevy
Both tryin' not to cry
Momma kept on talking
Putting off good-bye
Then she took my hand and said
'Baby don't forget

Before you hit the highway
You better stop for gas
There's a 50 in the ashtray
In case you run short on cash
Here's a map and here's a Bible
If you ever lose your way

Just one more thing before you leave
Don't forget to remember me'

**************************************

In my daughter's eyes,
I am a hero,
I am strong and wise,
And I know no fear,
But the truth is plain to see,
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I want to be,
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes,
Everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace,
This miracle God gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger,
How it puts a smile in my heart,
Everything becomes a little clearer,
I realize what life is all about,
It's hanging on when your heart is had enough,
It's giving more when you feel like giving up,
I've seen the light,
It's in my daughter's eyes

************************************************

Be a blessing and be blessed ~

W