Some Insight
Hey there! Recently I was struck by a real need to resolve issues from my life (and past) in an attempt to identify who I am. Does that make sense? I put a post out on a social network as follows:
So many things have happened in my life that have contributed to who I am today, this very moment. Most of those things are not so great and are a source of regret for me. I am still full of self-doubt because of how others treated me during my most formative years, which is very heavy on me. I try to live like all is well for my daughter so she can have a different outlook and not assimilate my outlook into her own life. Thankfully, she is well-liked and makes friends quickly - all despite having watched me suffer abuse for many years. What I am hoping to do with this post, is receive forgiveness from any of you that I may have wronged in some way in the past OR seek insight as to what is so unfavorable that others, maybe even some of you back in the schoolyard, find about me. If any of you have comments, please share in private message to me. Thank you.
Oh, in case any of you may wonder - I have forgiven those who hurt me with words or deeds because I realize I can't get that time back. But, not knowing why or being forgiven if due to my own actions is what has me held back and burdened.
Well, the responses were from varying views and even had one that suggested I go to counseling (like I have not already gone that route). Don't get me wrong - counsel is great, when it is from a source that actually aims to provide a solution. My years of counseling always ended up the same - face the issue head-on and get the closure I was looking for. Well, that was my aim and I am now of the mind that I may never get the closure I need to get past the issue I am seeking to put aside. What an conundrum! In a real sense, I am on a merry-go-round and it isn't fun at all. I don't think my hope is misplaced, I just think others see this as pointless. Or, maybe they see it as something different - they see it as some ill-fated attempt at comparison. Well, maybe they are on to something. Please follow this link and watch this episode http://www.northpointministries.org/gwinnett/messages/comparison-trap then come back to my blog.
Was that not interesting? See, as humans with free will, we all tend to compare ourselves to others.
I admit I am guilty of this, but in another way - I am wanting to be approved of. In my attempt to be accepted by my peers and such, I compare myself to someone that I see as having what I am eager to have for myself. That is a temptation for me. A deadly one if I allow it to fester in me. I suppose that is why I wrote what I did on the social network as a means for me to be absolved from the burden of acceptance.
My church and Bible study class are in a new series and today was eye-opening for me because it centered on the pressures of temptations. Mine being a need for approval, among others, is a huge deal for me. See folks, I am really good at masking myself - something I started in a period of my life where I was hungry for fellowship - or plainly stated friendships. What I did not realize was I was not getting any friends by doing this. Instead others couldn't really trust my words or actions because I was so good at changing masks like a chameleon is at changing colors. Truly I was an embellisher of facts. I did not outright lie, but I embellished fact to make it more interesting - so I thought. I realize now how awful that was of me because of my new life in Christ JESUS. I don't need to sensationalize my life to make others pause, I just need to live my life as unto the Lord and that is enough. I am accepted in Him and that IS enough. The fact I wanted to apologize for anything I may have said or done in the past to make others not want to know me is mute. The fact that I wanted to have insight into my shortcomings is also mute. I know where I am imperfect. That is why I am being daily molded and shaped into the person God intends me to be....a reflection of His Son.
Before I close this post, I want to say a couple more things. First, there are more installments to the "Comparison Trap" you watched (I hope) and I encourage you to watch them. Secondly, here are some verses that are currently speaking to my heart:
James 1:12 A man who endures trials is blessed, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.
James 1:22-25 But be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. Because if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man looking at his own face in a mirror. For he looks at himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But the one who looks intently into the perfect law of freedom and perseveres in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but one who does good works—this person will be blessed in what he does.
Be blessed and be a blessing ~
W
So many things have happened in my life that have contributed to who I am today, this very moment. Most of those things are not so great and are a source of regret for me. I am still full of self-doubt because of how others treated me during my most formative years, which is very heavy on me. I try to live like all is well for my daughter so she can have a different outlook and not assimilate my outlook into her own life. Thankfully, she is well-liked and makes friends quickly - all despite having watched me suffer abuse for many years. What I am hoping to do with this post, is receive forgiveness from any of you that I may have wronged in some way in the past OR seek insight as to what is so unfavorable that others, maybe even some of you back in the schoolyard, find about me. If any of you have comments, please share in private message to me. Thank you.
Oh, in case any of you may wonder - I have forgiven those who hurt me with words or deeds because I realize I can't get that time back. But, not knowing why or being forgiven if due to my own actions is what has me held back and burdened.
Well, the responses were from varying views and even had one that suggested I go to counseling (like I have not already gone that route). Don't get me wrong - counsel is great, when it is from a source that actually aims to provide a solution. My years of counseling always ended up the same - face the issue head-on and get the closure I was looking for. Well, that was my aim and I am now of the mind that I may never get the closure I need to get past the issue I am seeking to put aside. What an conundrum! In a real sense, I am on a merry-go-round and it isn't fun at all. I don't think my hope is misplaced, I just think others see this as pointless. Or, maybe they see it as something different - they see it as some ill-fated attempt at comparison. Well, maybe they are on to something. Please follow this link and watch this episode http://www.northpointministries.org/gwinnett/messages/comparison-trap then come back to my blog.
Was that not interesting? See, as humans with free will, we all tend to compare ourselves to others.
I admit I am guilty of this, but in another way - I am wanting to be approved of. In my attempt to be accepted by my peers and such, I compare myself to someone that I see as having what I am eager to have for myself. That is a temptation for me. A deadly one if I allow it to fester in me. I suppose that is why I wrote what I did on the social network as a means for me to be absolved from the burden of acceptance.
My church and Bible study class are in a new series and today was eye-opening for me because it centered on the pressures of temptations. Mine being a need for approval, among others, is a huge deal for me. See folks, I am really good at masking myself - something I started in a period of my life where I was hungry for fellowship - or plainly stated friendships. What I did not realize was I was not getting any friends by doing this. Instead others couldn't really trust my words or actions because I was so good at changing masks like a chameleon is at changing colors. Truly I was an embellisher of facts. I did not outright lie, but I embellished fact to make it more interesting - so I thought. I realize now how awful that was of me because of my new life in Christ JESUS. I don't need to sensationalize my life to make others pause, I just need to live my life as unto the Lord and that is enough. I am accepted in Him and that IS enough. The fact I wanted to apologize for anything I may have said or done in the past to make others not want to know me is mute. The fact that I wanted to have insight into my shortcomings is also mute. I know where I am imperfect. That is why I am being daily molded and shaped into the person God intends me to be....a reflection of His Son.
Before I close this post, I want to say a couple more things. First, there are more installments to the "Comparison Trap" you watched (I hope) and I encourage you to watch them. Secondly, here are some verses that are currently speaking to my heart:
James 1:12 A man who endures trials is blessed, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.
James 1:22-25 But be doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. Because if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man looking at his own face in a mirror. For he looks at himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But the one who looks intently into the perfect law of freedom and perseveres in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but one who does good works—this person will be blessed in what he does.
Be blessed and be a blessing ~
W
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