Simple Musings...
Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes, rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise
[from "Rise" by Shawn McDonald]
Ever have days where you feel completely broken and nothing but ashes before men and God? Well, I'm experiencing this feeling, oddly, sporadically today. I can't begin to explain what brought this on - well, I could, but then I'd be starting a pity party which I don't desire or want - but, the root is likely due to an assignment I had for Bible class this Sunday: to find a friend who knows me so well and who could call me out on the carpet in regards to areas of forgiveness that I need to work on. Guess what? Didn't find anyone to work with me on this exercise. Of course, most of the answers to the questions in the assignment were a LOUD RESOUNDING "YES". However, I couldn't help (and can't help it) feeling like a pile of ash that would get blown away at any moment and easily forgotten. Got me thinking about lots of things, like: what is it about me that isn't likable? am I destined to remain isolated the rest of my days? will I be able to look at myself tomorrow and like who I see, never mind love who I see? what is God trying to tell me & do I really care? {yes, I said that - truth be told, I don't know if I can bear being torn down any longer}
Don't misunderstand - I love God and am thankful that He loves me with an EVERLASTING love. It is just that I've come to realize that the 300-something 'friends' I have on Facebook are not necessarily my friends - they are people that claim to want to communicate with me or share in the things going on in my life. The ones that surprise me most are folks that, when it comes to face-time, don't really want to share the same airspace as me...or they can't get away fast enough. Thus, my initial question: what is so unlikable? I mean, I try to be presentable all the time - granted, I might not get up in time to shower every morning, but I do clean up. I brush my hair, albeit short and all. I wear makeup - when I'm not having issues with my psoriasis and stuff. So, again - I find it weird that I'm kept at arm's length, or further.
For example, I have invited others (and if you have not personally been asked, give me time...the invite will come) to join Kimbo and I for dinner cooked BY me and served by me more than a few times and have rarely had any takers...none since we moved to the new home. I am really questioning laying out invites any more because each rejection feels like a door slammed in my face. Granted, there have been a few kind declined offers because of other plans, but I'm talking about others that just won't even accept. I promise, I'm not Julia Child, but I won't poison you either. Goodness!
{Can y'all tell I'm on a rant right now? Sorry...you can stop reading if you wish. I'm just venting because if I don't, I'll become bitter and truly depressed}
Sometimes I need sweet fellowship with others. More times than not, if you want the truth. And my Kimbo is also in need of this fellowship - even if it is just with a group of adults...she is fine with that. Soon, though, she'll be on her way as an adult (Lord willing) and it will be just me. I do not do 'party of one' very well. It is my prayer that God is at His throne looking through what lies ahead and setting things in motion; knowing that He does know me, He knows that I am weak and easily drawn in/trapped. I don't want to be trapped again or deceived.
I am more vulnerable, I suppose, now because my sweet girl made her decision for Christ last week. She desires to live for Christ and be His servant. How am I to keep her eyes on Him when I am feeling like a pile of ash? How am I to be her example if I am stumbling and grasping?
Because I will rise up out of the ashes - Because He who is in me is bigger and stronger than I will ever be. I am certain of it. I just had to write this out and lay it out. I may not have confidence in where I'm to find sweet fellowship with others who are like-minded; I may not find myself remaining at any body of believers before long...I'll be waving in the wind waiting for Him to put me somewhere. I just don't know. And, as hard as it is to say this - I'm finding that I no longer care, as long as I am worshipping somewhere. I am the square peg trying to fit in a round hole...I am the outsider looking in and desiring to experience what others are...I am the unacceptable longing to be accepted. Again, don't know where this is all coming from or where it is taking me - I am uncomfortable with it (knowing it will be posted and seen by all) for sure.
I used to write poems. I used to express my feelings that way. The words won't come now...they haven't for quite some time. Maybe they will come one day~
W
Out of these ashes, rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
Cause He who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise
[from "Rise" by Shawn McDonald]
Ever have days where you feel completely broken and nothing but ashes before men and God? Well, I'm experiencing this feeling, oddly, sporadically today. I can't begin to explain what brought this on - well, I could, but then I'd be starting a pity party which I don't desire or want - but, the root is likely due to an assignment I had for Bible class this Sunday: to find a friend who knows me so well and who could call me out on the carpet in regards to areas of forgiveness that I need to work on. Guess what? Didn't find anyone to work with me on this exercise. Of course, most of the answers to the questions in the assignment were a LOUD RESOUNDING "YES". However, I couldn't help (and can't help it) feeling like a pile of ash that would get blown away at any moment and easily forgotten. Got me thinking about lots of things, like: what is it about me that isn't likable? am I destined to remain isolated the rest of my days? will I be able to look at myself tomorrow and like who I see, never mind love who I see? what is God trying to tell me & do I really care? {yes, I said that - truth be told, I don't know if I can bear being torn down any longer}
Don't misunderstand - I love God and am thankful that He loves me with an EVERLASTING love. It is just that I've come to realize that the 300-something 'friends' I have on Facebook are not necessarily my friends - they are people that claim to want to communicate with me or share in the things going on in my life. The ones that surprise me most are folks that, when it comes to face-time, don't really want to share the same airspace as me...or they can't get away fast enough. Thus, my initial question: what is so unlikable? I mean, I try to be presentable all the time - granted, I might not get up in time to shower every morning, but I do clean up. I brush my hair, albeit short and all. I wear makeup - when I'm not having issues with my psoriasis and stuff. So, again - I find it weird that I'm kept at arm's length, or further.
For example, I have invited others (and if you have not personally been asked, give me time...the invite will come) to join Kimbo and I for dinner cooked BY me and served by me more than a few times and have rarely had any takers...none since we moved to the new home. I am really questioning laying out invites any more because each rejection feels like a door slammed in my face. Granted, there have been a few kind declined offers because of other plans, but I'm talking about others that just won't even accept. I promise, I'm not Julia Child, but I won't poison you either. Goodness!
{Can y'all tell I'm on a rant right now? Sorry...you can stop reading if you wish. I'm just venting because if I don't, I'll become bitter and truly depressed}
Sometimes I need sweet fellowship with others. More times than not, if you want the truth. And my Kimbo is also in need of this fellowship - even if it is just with a group of adults...she is fine with that. Soon, though, she'll be on her way as an adult (Lord willing) and it will be just me. I do not do 'party of one' very well. It is my prayer that God is at His throne looking through what lies ahead and setting things in motion; knowing that He does know me, He knows that I am weak and easily drawn in/trapped. I don't want to be trapped again or deceived.
I am more vulnerable, I suppose, now because my sweet girl made her decision for Christ last week. She desires to live for Christ and be His servant. How am I to keep her eyes on Him when I am feeling like a pile of ash? How am I to be her example if I am stumbling and grasping?
Because I will rise up out of the ashes - Because He who is in me is bigger and stronger than I will ever be. I am certain of it. I just had to write this out and lay it out. I may not have confidence in where I'm to find sweet fellowship with others who are like-minded; I may not find myself remaining at any body of believers before long...I'll be waving in the wind waiting for Him to put me somewhere. I just don't know. And, as hard as it is to say this - I'm finding that I no longer care, as long as I am worshipping somewhere. I am the square peg trying to fit in a round hole...I am the outsider looking in and desiring to experience what others are...I am the unacceptable longing to be accepted. Again, don't know where this is all coming from or where it is taking me - I am uncomfortable with it (knowing it will be posted and seen by all) for sure.
I used to write poems. I used to express my feelings that way. The words won't come now...they haven't for quite some time. Maybe they will come one day~
W
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